The loneliness

It sucks

in short,

But we all love long stories, dunno why. Too dumb to get the meaning behind scarce words?


“I’ll be alone, just like this, for the rest of my life!” crawls dreadfull thought thorugh mind. Which is scary and kinda true. For at least two reasons: you’ll stay alone if you continue to be afraid to do anything, and you are alone most of your time, just you and your head.

Last part is kinda creepy too. Especially for the ones like us, who dread the though of being cheerfull and going out guy (or gal, we are the former fortunately) and, oh no, trying to talk into some random stranger.

That’s fucking scary.

And not really pleasant to think about.

I’m not talking about you, normal social human beings. Lucky trained bastards.

Why am i talking about that? I recently (after 20+ years of being in-home alone guy that rarely talks to anyone) noticed that I’m socially anxious. Surprise, kinda.

I’ve spent rather large chunk of my, dunno, time? trying to persuade myself into just not wanting to chat with people, “they’re dumb and not worth of our time”, “who cares, we’re good by ourselves” and that stuff.
(Yeah it’s that bad that I’m accustomed to talking as we in my head, that’s kinda another fucked up part that I’ve been ignoring and nonchalantly laughing at for a long time too)

So, I’ve lost my though again, surprise. That’s the cost of talking outside your head on a keyboard. You often lose your idea that you hadn’t in the first place.

And you actually can see how easy it is to sleep (or more likely to¬†creep) away from disturbing realisation that something¬†is wrong with your current situation in life. Like “hm.. come to think of it, I’ve been talking only to my cat, myself, and sometimes angrily argue with my mom, like 96% of my time.. oh! lets watch that video and eat some pringles” (I don’t actually like pringles o-o)

The surprising length your brain will go towards keeping you fa-a-ar away from your problems.

Another sad thing is you usually have to feel something really powerfull to get out of this trance, most times it’s immense pain, loss of someone, crash of your life and such. I don’t really have lots of examples, I’m somewhat too young to fail that much.

But the point still stands and you can’t really do anything about it (well you can, but you kinda too occupied with your life, and work, and studies, and oh new video came out!

One way to find your pain is to numb the life out and listen to yourself, you know, meditation. From my fail compilation above you kinda can figure out I haven’t used this one that much. So it’s theoretical.

Another way I’ve described is through pain – when the issue glares so much that your brain just can’t manage to hide it from you anymore and.. it comes crashing down you with a waterfall of, well, not water. All hell breaks loose and your shit hits your, I would love to say fan, but unfortunately no, your face.

So.. what I was talking about? Yeah, it’s not a good idea to try to write down your thoughts and hope they come out like a nice concise story with a thoughtfull ending and a life advice.

Listen to yourself, very-very closely.

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