Da faqk?

Why the hell so much grudge we got looking at her friends listing and not finiding our invitation?

I’m really surprised too, which is interesting.

We do have some repressed resentment, like loads of it if we compare the tidal wave of grudge and jealosy that came.

The fucking loads of it.

And the sadness too.

Ugh.. that’s scary. The darkness and the monster we’re hiding inside. Are we so much dishonest with ourselves?

The demons that we have, and it’s unsettling. The questions are why?

Why do we have this feeling of grudge, jealosy and sadness?

Yeah, that is the reason we decided to continue, to banish or at the very least uncover those demons. Bailing out would mean their ultimate victory, they’ll continue dwelling in darkness, consuming more and more of our lightness. And we don’t want it.

The answer dissuades me, relentlessly. Why do we have these feelings of grudge. jealosy. sadness?

First one, grudge.

She isn’t ours? Was she ever? I doubt it, even though we might have lead us to believe so. Is this false conviction which feeds and lurks the demon? Is it why we feel so lost and betrayed?

I’m led to believe so, at least in partial. Knowing such answer calms us, soothes. But is it the answer to find or just pleasant lulably sung by the demon to distract us? It might be.

In any case, we should return later, but now, what lead us to have the feeling of jealosy? I’m swayed to think the same reason, false believe of being in charge, of another human.

 

And they fled, fled before we could find out. Hiding again, conversing the shadows and some other beatufil bullshit words I would love to put here, forgetting the limits of my technical vocabulary.

Those feelings could have been amplified by the preceding feeling of emptyness and uselessness, but we’ll have to know later. And now we as a calmer <del>man</del>men.

Since I have no friends

I’ll write to here

Мне предложили работу, а потом предложили еще раз. И я целый день продумав что же делать, решил максимально умничково отказать, по крайней мере на время, первому предложению.

Как-то грустно становится, когда о таких одновременно глупых и серьезных, важных и мелких событиях некому рассказать. Семье, но.. это такое себе.

Очень даже грустно

И вроде бы даже знаешь решение – найди себе друзей, делов то. Но интересная штука есть у депрессии и патологического несчастья вообще: чем глубже ты увяз, тем сложнее тебе не только выбраться, но и даже понять что тебе нужно это делать. И как порой страшно просто признать что с тобой что-то не так, что ты “неправильный”, не говоря уже о том, чтобы признаться в этом кому-то.

В жизни вообще все простое всегда почему-то самое сложное. Хочешь похудеть? Вообще нет, пример про похудение настолько банален что я не хочу его использовать. Это типо серьезная статейка, все дела.

А как легко впасть в иллюзию того, что ты и весь мир статичен – какой ты есть сейчас, таким ты и останешься навсегда.

Ах, как закипает голова от всех мыслей и идей, которые собираются там, когда их некому высказать, выплюнуть их в мир и избавиться от них. Нет, не навсегда, на долгое время, пока их не принесет тебе обратно кто-то, словивший маленький огрызок и додумавший его своим опытом и представлением.

И какой поэтический настрой начинается, когда тебе есть что сказать, но нет кого-то кто бы выслушал. Слова так и выстреливают, не неся какой-то связной мысли, банально из-за того что она, а куда чаще они, потерялись и перемешались между бессвязным потоком всего того мусора, что ты насобирал и надумал, поливая как из гидранта того несчастного, до которого ты успел добраться.

И очень, очень хорошо, когда это чистый (или не очень) лист бумаги, холст или любой неживой объект. Куда сложнее приходится живым жертвам, вынужденным выслушивать весь этот поток, стараясь при этом сохранить заинтересованное и здравомыслящее выражение лица и состояния, и мимоходом ища максимально простой отходной путь.

О чем я там начинал? Да, о одиночестве. Одному хорошо

но это обман

The loneliness

It sucks

in short,

But we all love long stories, dunno why. Too dumb to get the meaning behind scarce words?

 

“I’ll be alone, just like this, for the rest of my life!” crawls dreadfull thought thorugh mind. Which is scary and kinda true. For at least two reasons: you’ll stay alone if you continue to be afraid to do anything, and you are alone most of your time, just you and your head.

Last part is kinda creepy too. Especially for the ones like us, who dread the though of being cheerfull and going out guy (or gal, we are the former fortunately) and, oh no, trying to talk into some random stranger.

That’s fucking scary.

And not really pleasant to think about.

I’m not talking about you, normal social human beings. Lucky trained bastards.

Why am i talking about that? I recently (after 20+ years of being in-home alone guy that rarely talks to anyone) noticed that I’m socially anxious. Surprise, kinda.

I’ve spent rather large chunk of my, dunno, time? trying to persuade myself into just not wanting to chat with people, “they’re dumb and not worth of our time”, “who cares, we’re good by ourselves” and that stuff.
(Yeah it’s that bad that I’m accustomed to talking as we in my head, that’s kinda another fucked up part that I’ve been ignoring and nonchalantly laughing at for a long time too)

So, I’ve lost my though again, surprise. That’s the cost of talking outside your head on a keyboard. You often lose your idea that you hadn’t in the first place.

And you actually can see how easy it is to sleep (or more likely to creep) away from disturbing realisation that something is wrong with your current situation in life. Like “hm.. come to think of it, I’ve been talking only to my cat, myself, and sometimes angrily argue with my mom, like 96% of my time.. oh! lets watch that video and eat some pringles” (I don’t actually like pringles o-o)

The surprising length your brain will go towards keeping you fa-a-ar away from your problems.

Another sad thing is you usually have to feel something really powerfull to get out of this trance, most times it’s immense pain, loss of someone, crash of your life and such. I don’t really have lots of examples, I’m somewhat too young to fail that much.

But the point still stands and you can’t really do anything about it (well you can, but you kinda too occupied with your life, and work, and studies, and oh new video came out!

One way to find your pain is to numb the life out and listen to yourself, you know, meditation. From my fail compilation above you kinda can figure out I haven’t used this one that much. So it’s theoretical.

Another way I’ve described is through pain – when the issue glares so much that your brain just can’t manage to hide it from you anymore and.. it comes crashing down you with a waterfall of, well, not water. All hell breaks loose and your shit hits your, I would love to say fan, but unfortunately no, your face.

So.. what I was talking about? Yeah, it’s not a good idea to try to write down your thoughts and hope they come out like a nice concise story with a thoughtfull ending and a life advice.

Listen to yourself, very-very closely.

Why do we I create the worst condition for myself when I’m in a bad mood

Simple answer – I don’t know

But we both know it’s the most simple and the most useless one, so I’m gonna dig a little deeper.

So, the problem

I feel like shit, because I did mostly(?) everything in mah power to make myself feel like it

Maybe it was to get a reason to feel like shit?

It might be.

But what are other reasons?

Hmm, I really want to say I don’t know, but again, cut the fluff.

Because I have some (yeah sure) problems with self-esteem?

This one too probably.

So what are my problems that lead to this reasoning and thinking that suffering because “you have a reason” is a valid reason to suffer?

It’s a flawed subconcious pattern, obviously. Yet I somehow grabbed it. Parents? Plausible. Self-development? Yeap, kinda too.

I wanna play tomb raider, and that one, about white bug dude,forgot the name

and get laid

So many wants, so little cans and dids.

Not really, just self-deprecating mood kicking in, or more likely still kicking out.

That tree is bootiful

What is this one? Written thoughts, if you couldn’t tell

Who is you? Me, myself and I. Of course

Who else would it be? Just me that is you that is me in a little witty future (somehow I wanted to misspel it as “feature”)

Though, back to reasoning, what was it?

I’ll save you a bother of scrolling up: “I feel like shit, because I did mostly? everything to make myself feel like it”
which tranlates to

Why did I did stuff to feel like shit?

I should really cut that “dunno” part out, it’s getting frustrating

We already figured.. something, I forgot while wandering around in ma head. But mostly because we were led to feel like shit because of “real world problems”.

Which were basically happy imagination colliding with real world, which resulted in evasive maneuvers. Which suck-a-lot.

Memo for future, if one? Don’t evade disalignments with reality by making yourself get into shitty mood where you “don’t care”.

Because for fucksters you do, and sucksters it ain’t working any more and hadn’t really worked once.

And yet we know, and yet we fail.

By the way, this whole reasoning process is garbo, because we’re in a shitty mood and because it’s getting late. And I do belive in late lame.